Goaltending Parents: A Primer
Upper Echelon Motto: Be a Warrior!Rule #1: Don’t Panic!
I have been lucky in many ways as a goalie parent, as I both play goal and coach goalies. I have known firsthand the ups and downs and ebbs and flows of our prickly position from both the net and the bench. There is a reality that is important for goalie parents to realize (and hopefully the other players’ parents) that success at the position is very fickle and precarious, but the enjoyment and satisfaction of playing the position for a young goalie is very, very real. The standards of success that most people put on young athletes so often gloss over the enjoyment factor of the position. And this is a mistake and leads to unattainable goals and ultimately, real, deep-seated disappointment. Parents must not panic when their standards of success are not being reached by their young goalie. Step back and see if the child is really enjoying the position regardless of the statistical or so-called measureable results.
Rule #2a: Goalies get scored on.
Rule #2b: Goalies get pulled from games.
Rule #2c: Goalies will lose or cost their team wins.
Rule #2d: Goalies will get cut from teams they should have made.
Those above rules apply to all goalies, at all levels, at all times in their career: from the youngest, stiff legged shuffling Novice to the highly-touted Junior goalie right on to the wily NHL veteran. Take heart parents. Little Johnny or little Susie is in very good company with his/her situation. These four rules can be delayed in many circumstances, but eventually the Karmic bill will come due and the goalie will have to pay in one way or the other. Parents must realize that those rules are a part of playing the position and it is not that the goalie that has those things happen to him that defines who he is as an athlete or a young person, but how he reacts to it after it does happen that defines his character.
Do they bounce back and refocus on a goal right away or do they linger and steam, putting on a little drama for the crowd?
Do they accept the hook with grace and a glove tap with their goalie partner or do they throw a tantrum and scowl at the coach?
Do they buckle down in practice and pull out all the stops in their next game after a loss or do they spiral out of control, compounding a poor outing with a series of stinkers?
Do they carry a team snub personally and malinger the entire following season or do they take what happened as a challenge to rise up even further with their skill or determination?
Rule #3: The goalie parents’ job is to get their young puckstopper to the rink on time, well fed, well rested and well adjusted. That is about it.
Not to minimize the role of parents, but one of the greatest things about sports is that it allows children to develop confidence by giving them an opportunity to accomplish things on their own. It is one of the first things that a kid can do to finally stretch her wings independently of her parents. I know many parents would love to be able to lay on goal line of the goal to be a second backstop for their child, but we can’t and shouldn’t do it. I know parents like to dispense advice while the child is playing (and of course, it isn’t just goalie parents guilty of this), but we need to let them handle the game and the situations on their own. That is the coaches’ job to assist the goalie's play during a game. Goaltending gives kids a chance to earn their success and own their failures. It is a very adult lesson, no doubt, but imparting that message IS our job as parents.
Rule #4: After the game/try-out/event don’t criticize or offer goalie-advice, but listen and supply life-advice.
Post-game decompression is very important to a goalie. I try not to differentiate the position with the players on the team, but definitely most would agree that there is a lot more of a psychological burden on goalies. It is the nature of the position that there is so much responsibility attached to it. It may very well have been the thing that drew our kids to the position in the first place. There is a chance every game to be the real hero (or the obvious goat). The dichotomy of potential outcomes will definitely push extra stress on the child and that drive home from the rink can be very important to a child to help put things into perspective.
To that end, parents can really help by allowing a child to talk about a game and vent or blow off psychological steam. Try to avoid too much negative venting which I think falls under supplying life-advice. Encourage constructive self-criticism. Goalies learn by their mistakes. The goalie loses a real good opportunity to improve if he tries to ignore his mistakes or if he shifts blame to his teammates or coaches. Parents can ask constructive questions like, “What would you have done differently on that second goal?” or “You seemed a little off in warm-ups. Did something happen in your pre-game?” It will astound most parents about how nuanced and reasoned the replies will be. The result is a chance at real growth as an athlete and a young person. Goalies do tend to lean to the cerebral and you may even learn and be entertained by your young goalie’s analysis of his game and the game in general. It is no wonder so many color-commentators in broadcast hockey are ex-goalies.
These rules are in no way complete but provide myself with little guide-posts on the “white-knuckling” journey that our kids have put us on. I hope it gives you something to grasp tightly and ease your rollercoaster ride of parenting a goalie.
Side Note 1: MTN Goaltending out of Saskatchewan has a great short article on advice to goalie parents. Give it a read!
Side Note 2: I do use the term parents and child here a lot, but I hope everyone realizes that I recognize all the other family arrangements with step-parents, grandparents, guardians and single parent households. I tip my goalie mask to you as well, because you have decided to support your young person in an even more challenging environment. Kudos!!